I am currently 13 weeks and 6 days pregnant, with my sweet little baby due on October 3rd, 2019. Pregnancy is supposed to be a joyous time – and for the most part it is. But it is also really, really hard. You see, on December 20th, 2018 – five days before Christmas – I had a miscarriage.
Miscarriages are really common. In fact, 1 in 4 women will experience a miscarriage at some point in their lives. But that doesn’t make it any easier. That is why I have decided to share my story. Reading real stories of real women sharing their loss, helped me through that dark time in my life.
Surprise! You’re pregnant
I surprisingly found myself pregnant in December. My partner and I were terrified, this baby was a little bit ahead of schedule! But someone else had a different plan for us. After a few days we started coming around to becoming a family of three. Actually, it seemed kind of ironic. Just as we were coming around and getting excited about becoming a family, I started bleeding.
At first I tried not to panic. Spotting and/or light bleeding is actually relatively common in the first trimester (but it is always something you should discuss with your doctor). The first day the bleeding wasn’t that bad, so I opted to keep an eye on things. I was worried, but I spent my time researching stories about women who bled yet went on to have a normal, healthy pregnancy to ease my mind. When I woke up the next day, it was significantly worse. We decided to go to a clinic for some answers.
The physician at the clinic ordered some blood tests and completed a physical exam. My cervix was still closed at the time, but he told me it was basically a 50/50 chance I was going to miscarry. He told me what to look out for, and sent me home to wait.
My miscarriage Experience
I woke up at 2am the next morning with an urge to use to restroom. When I looked down, I noticed one large clot, and I knew in my heart it was over. We ended up going to the emergency room in the morning because I needed to hear someone tell me I had lost the baby. I also wanted to make sure there were no complications. Sure enough, I was right.
I have never been so heartbroken in my entire life. I felt like someone had ripped my heart out of my chest and stomped on it a million times. There were so many emotions that I felt – sadness, anger, frustration. I was angry at myself for not being so excited right away. I was angry at my partner for not being so excited right away. Heck – I was even angry with the higher power that decided to give me this baby, and then take it away from me so soon. After the visit to the hospital, I spent 3 days in my room avoiding talking to anyone. All I wanted was to be alone.
I bled for about 8 days. I did experience a little bit of cramping and backaches, but I wasn’t in as much pain as I read I would be. This differs for every women depending on how far along you were in your pregnancy, and how your body reacts to the drop in HCG.
Living Through a Miscarriage
Every women deals with loss in their own way. There is no right or wrong way to feel after a miscarriage. What matters is that you recognize your strength and your ability to go on – because you can.
I am lucky to have an amazing family physician who I really respect and have a great relationship with. When she found out about my miscarriage, she personally called me at home to see how I was doing. Even though I had heard it a million times before – hearing her say that it wasn’t my fault, that something went wrong in the development of my baby that would’ve made it unable to survive really helped. She also reminded me off something I had never considered – my body had the ability to get pregnant. She also told me that the chances of this happening again was low – less than 2 percent – and that next time, it was very likely my pregnancy would result in a healthy baby.
Since we lost our baby so close to Christmas, we were fortunate enough to have the distraction of family and friends. But every time I had a chance to think, my mind went to the baby I would never get to meet. While I was incredibly sad, I was still able to enjoy the holidays. That helped me realize that I was going to be okay.
As time went on, my heart hurt a little less. My partner and I opted to “let nature take it’s course” and when it happened, it happened. Having something to look forward to helped ease the pain. While another baby could never replace the baby I had lost, it helped me to know that I could get pregnant again.
Some doctors recommend that you wait until you have a regular period or two after a miscarriage before trying. In my case, my levels went right down to normal after the miscarriage so I was given the go ahead. Waiting to have a period makes it easier to date the pregnancy, but since I have longer than average cycles to begin with (33 to 35 days) I was going to require a dating ultrasound anyways.
5 weeks after finding out we lost our first little baby, I discovered I was pregnant again. I had suspected it due to strange lower back pain and cramping in my legs, but I still was shocked that it had happened so soon. I remember thinking that something must be wrong because it seemed too easy. Getting pregnant isn’t as easy as people think – I know a number of people that it took months of trying before they conceived, yet here I was pregnant again only 5 weeks after a miscarriage. It felt as though someone was playing a cruel joke on me.
For the first few weeks leading up to my dating ultrasound I was a nervous wreck. Every cramp, twinge, ache – I was convinced it was over and I was losing my baby again. I had a really hard time even enjoying my pregnancy at first. So I ended up browsing a number of pregnancy forums when I found someone (I don’t remember who or where) said this:
“Nothing in life is guaranteed. Just because you make it to 12 weeks doesn’t mean you are in the clear. After worrying about miscarriage, you will worry about stillbirth, after birth you will worry about SIDs, after 6 months, you are worrying about childhood illnesses and death. If we allow ourselves to worry we would never enjoy anything in life. So enjoy your pregnancy while it lasts, for however long it lasts.”
This really resonated with me because it is so true. If we spent our whole lives worrying about every little thing that could possibly go wrong, we wouldn’t be living. So from that moment on, I chose to enjoy my pregnancy. I stopped reading forums about people’s experiences with pregnancy after miscarriage. I stopped trying to find statistics that would help ease my mind. It wasn’t easy, and sometimes I was still a nervous wreck. But I knew that I was trying, and that’s what was important.
Pregnancy After Miscarriage
I am fortunate enough that this pregnancy is progressing as it should. I was able to see my baby twice – at 8 weeks and 12 + 4 weeks. I’ve been able to hear their heartbeat on two separate occasions. But I know this is not the case for everyone. Sometimes there are underlying issues that cause reoccurring losses. But no matter your experience, you have to remember that you have the strength to get through.
I think every pregnant woman has some worry in the back of the minds of miscarriage. But I think when you’ve already experienced one, that sense of worry is heightened. We have to try and remember that there is nothing we can do to control our fate when it comes to miscarriage – as much as that sucks. Just remember – we just have to enjoy every moment while it lasts.
If you’re interested in watching the video where I find out I’m pregnant again, click here. Thanks for reading.